i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize