i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
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Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
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I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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