Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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