I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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