I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
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I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
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BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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