i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
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Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
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But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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