i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
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His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
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Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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