the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
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