When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
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Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
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his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
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