She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
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How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
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Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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