She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
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well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
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Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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