Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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