i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
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