My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
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She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
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When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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