Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
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She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
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New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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