I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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