You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't notice because vodka
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize