sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
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We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
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Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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