I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
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