he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
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When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
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Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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