well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
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She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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