Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize