well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
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Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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