If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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