I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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