well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
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we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
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There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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