how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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