The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
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the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
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If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize