I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
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Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
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Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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