Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
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Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
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Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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