Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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