Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
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He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
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Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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