Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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