I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
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I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
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Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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