So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
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I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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