I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
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My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
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Someone came in the potted fern
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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