If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
My feet surprised me
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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