it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
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