so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
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Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
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I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Someone came in the potted fern
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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