If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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