Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
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