I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize