You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
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We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
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He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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