I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
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I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
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Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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