just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
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So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
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I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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