Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
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Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
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On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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