I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
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I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
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Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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