I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
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My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
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the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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