You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
God gave him joint rollers for hands
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Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
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I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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