I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
whose parrot is this?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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